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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Humor--Obedient Wife

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear;  you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,  'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once ?'
The wife smiles demurely and says,  'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been even higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP ???'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
(and I love this part) .......
'Only when he's been drinking !!!'
The Obedient Wife' 
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.' 
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. 
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 
'Wait just a moment!' 
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, 
'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.' 
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.' 
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?' 
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.' 
Send this to every clever female you know, and to every man who thinks they are smarter than women!!! 
A blonde, June, goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As

she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign
says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl, June, excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She

whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man
packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!' The
blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she

closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them
very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy

nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down inbetween your legs, and

allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to
 her surprise . . . NOTHING

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads
the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have
any problems or questions . Please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store.

The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her

The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to

the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into
its eyes' and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to

do this ONLY ONE .. MORE ... TIME!!!'

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