HAPPY NEW YEAR

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WISH U HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL READERS 

HUMOR from Great Minds

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HUMOR from Great Minds

1.    As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I
can't remember the other  two...  -- Sir Norman Wisdom

2.    One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that
even a bargain costs money. -- Edgar Watson Howe

3.    A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your
success! -- Doug Larson

4.    A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie!   -- Eric Bolton

5.    When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized
that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive
me. -- Erno Philips

6.    I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. -- Robert Paul
 
7.    We spend the first twelve months of our children's liv! es teaching them to
walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. -- Phyllis Diller
  
8.    Laughter is the closest distance between two people. -- Victor Borge
 
9.    Start every day with a smile and get it over with. -- W.C. Fields
 
10.    Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. -- Will Rogers
 
11.    Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out,
you haven't wasted a whole day. -- Mickey Rooney
 
12.    Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not
have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the
same choice we've always had: work or prison. -- Tim Allen
 
13.    If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry
you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner
 
14.    I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen
 
15.       Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
didn't. -- Erica Jong
 
16.    Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. -- Elbert Hubbard
 
17.    Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. -- Wendell Johnson

18.    In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found
out. -- Joey Adams

19.    I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds
out, she'll kill me. -- Henry Youngman
 
20.    Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already
born ? -- Benny Hill

Why People Keep Such Names!!

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 Why People Keep Such Names!!

As bound 2 happen, the wires have got crossed &
there was a little confusion. Well not that little, it
was quite a confusion. Here, read it 4 urself:-

Lee Sum Wan: "Hello, can I speak 2 Annie Wan?"

Mr. Sori: "Yes, u can speak to me."

Lee Sum Wan: "No, I want 2 speak 2 Annie Wan."

Mr. Sori: "U are talking 2 some1 already!  Who is this?"

Lee Sum Wan: "I'm Sum Wan.  I need 2 talk 2 Annie
Wan. It's urgent."

Mr. Sori: "I know u're some1 & u want&n bsp;2 talk
2 anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?"

Lee Sum Wan: "Look, just tell my sister Annie Wan that
our brother was
involved in an accident.  Noe Wan was injured & now
Noe Wan is being
sent 2 the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is going 2
the hospital."

Mr. Sori: "Well, if no 1 was injured & no 1 was
sent 2 the
hospital from the accident, that isn't an urgent
matter! U may find
this hilarious, but I don't have time 4 this!"

Lee Sum Wan: "U're very rude.  Who are u?"

Mr. Sori: "I'm Sori."
Lee Sum Wan: "U should be sorry.  Now give me ur
name!"

Mr. Sori: "I'm Sori!"

Lee Sum Wan: "I don't like ur tone of voice, mister,
& I d on't care.
Now give me ur name!"

Mr. Sori: "Look, lady,  I told u already.  I'm Sori!
I'm Sori! I'm
SORI! U didn't even give me ur name!"

Lee Sum Wan: "I told u b4, I'm Sum Wan!  SumWan! U better be
careful, man.  My father is Sum Buddy. & my uncle
holds a very
prestigious position in  the family business. He's
Noe Buddy."

Mr. Sori (sarcastically): "Oh, I'm so scared.  Look, I
don't care about
ur uncle; he's a nobody.  Everybody thinks he's top
dog & holding an
important position  in the company."

Lee Sum Wan: "No, Avery Buddy just married my aunt.
& Avery Buddy
doesn't work there."

Mr. Sori: "Like I said, I don't care which 1 of ur
aunts sleeps around, & I also know that not e verybody works here!
Geez!  Now, which 1 of my employees do u want 2 talk to?"

Lee Sum Wan: "Wheech Wan is my sister!"

Mr. Sori: "I don't know which 1 is ur sister!  How
in God's name would I know that?

JUST SMILE

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JUST SMILE 

 

Ques. 1 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

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A TOMATO....... AND THE TRING TRING TRING WAS TO CONFUSE YOU......
 
 
 


Anyways... Here s one more....
 

Ques 2 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

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The DOOR BELL and the RED was to CONFUSE you......  
 
 
 

Anyways... Here s one more....
 
 
 
 
 
Ques 2 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

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A CAKE .... and both were to confuse you....
 
 
 
 
 

Anyways... Here's one more....

Ques 2 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

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A Fire Brigade Obviously...........
And u Thought I was trying to Confuse You ................
  

Doubt in Mahabharat

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Doubt in Mahabharat 

 

In some remote village of India, one masterji is
teaching the Mahabharat katha to class 6 students. He
is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.

Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's
8th child is going to kill him. He was furious. He
ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars. First
son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning...
Second one is born n kansa throws him off the
mountain peak. Third one is born..."

Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his
hand. Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous n
confused)

Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole india does not have doubt
in mahabharata then how come u have one?"

Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child
was going to Kill him,

 

WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT
'VASUDEV' AND' DEVAKI ' IN THE SAME JAIL ???
Masterji fainted.......................

..

How to Catch and Kill a Lion

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How to Catch and Kill a Lion!! Just for Fun

Newton 's Method: Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is
equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.


Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due
to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get
tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.


Software Engineer Method: Catch a cat and claim that your testing has
proven that its a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues tell them that you
will upgrade it to Lion v.2 but only if you can come onsite!


Indian Police Method: Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it
to accept that its a Lion. Now lets kill the lion...

Rajnikanth Method: Throw a cigarette into the air, and fire your
pistol. The bullet will ignite the cigarette, and then be deflected onto the lion,
killing it. The cigarette will fall into your mouth.

Jayalalitha Method: Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM
and kill it, while it's sleeping!

Mani Ratnam Method: Make sure the lion does not get sunlight and put
the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring
something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Ektaa Kapoor Method (Director): Send a lioness into the forest. Our
lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in to the
forest, followed by another lion. First lion loves the first lioness and the
second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send
another lioness (third) into the forest. You don't understand
right...ok .... read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

Yash Chopra method (director): Take the lion to Australia or US... and
kill it in a good scenic location.

Govinda method: Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days,
wearing pink pants and electric green shirts. After the lion goes blind seeing
you, make disgusting double-meaning jokes. After the lion goes deaf
listening to them, you can kill it any damn way you please.

Menaka Gandhi method: Save the lion from a danger and feed him with
vegetables, all the while talking "caring about animals". The lion will
kill himself.

George Bush method: If the lion is a terrorist and has a lot of oil in
his control, link the lion with Osama Bin Laden and shoot him! However, if
he has no oil and is willing to sell his country to you, make him your
"favored ally".

Rahul Dravid method: Ask the lion to bowl at u. You bat for 200 balls
and score 1 run.

What's Ur Phone No?

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                                       GOOD LAUGH AGAIN
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sardar:Aap kitna padhe ho?
Friend: B.A.
Sardar: Kamal karte ho yaar sirf do word padhe aur woh bhi ulte.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sardarji opens his lunch box in the middle of the road....Why?
Just to confirm whether he is going to or coming back from the office. 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fit 30 marwadis in a Maruti 800?
Throw a 100 rupee note inside.  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar enters kitchen and opens the sugar box. Sees inside and closes it. Wife observes the whole episode. Again he comes and does the same stuff.
Wife asks: Why are you doing this?
Sardar replies: Doc told to check sugar level regularly.
 

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa Singh: Can u spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Banta Singh: Post office.

Sardarji zebra crossing ke black & white patte par bar bar idhar-udhar chalte the, woh kya soch rahe honge...Think...
"SALA YE PIANO BAJTA KYO NAHI"
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend asks sardar how was ur exam?
Sardar: It was ok but I couldn't answer past tense of THINK. I thought thought & finally I wrote 'THUNK'.  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar: Doctor help me,! mein jab baat karta huun to muje sirf awaaz sunai deti hai, aadmi nahi dikhta.
Dr: Aaisa kab hota hai?
Sardar: Phone karte waqt. 
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar jhad pe bethkar gaa rahe the,
achanak ek sardar jhad se ulta latak ke gaane laga,
dusre ne pucha ki ulta kyon latka he,
Sardar bola oye side B gaa raha hun. 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sardarni asks her lover," Santa dear, if we get engaged, will u give me a ring?"
"Sure" replies Santa. "What's ur phone no?"

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HAPPY GIRLFRIEND'S DAY

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Let no stress, worries, or hardship come your way.

Walk around with a goofy smile, skip instead of walking, and laugh out loud all day.

Go Girlfriends J

God did not intend for us to be all rich, beautiful, great or alone; but

he does intend for us all to be friends

HAPPY GIRLFRIEND'S DAY!

GOOD LAUGH-SARDAR

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 GOOD LAUGH-SARDAR

After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner? 

One tourist from U.S.A. asked Sardar:
Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!! 

Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanti
So Sardar writes, "Gandhi ji was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanti 

When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted the mirror. Sardar shouted,
"You are trying to see my wife? Sit behind. I will drive. 


Interviewer: just imagine you are on the 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination! !! 

Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL. 

Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told her that I Love her, but she said her chappals are new 

Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!! 

Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?
Sardar: ZEBRA
Teacher: How do you know ?
Sardar: Bcoz it is in Black & White 

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir. 

Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Sardar: "Ok... Ombay. Ombay" 

Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?"
Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...! !! 


 

Some Strange Sayings about BEER

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Some Strange Sayings about BEER

Sometimes when i reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed.

 Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
might be out of work. Then their hopes and dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let
their dreams come true, than to be selfish and worry about my liver."

-- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

--- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
with his fools.

-- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

-- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

-- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

-- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

-- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CAN YOU CREATE A FOLDER "CON"

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               CAN YOU CREATE A FOLDER "CON"

Therez a discovery that nobody can create a folder anywhere named as
"con"

 

This is something pretty cool...and unbelievable... At Microsoft the
whole

 

Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this happened!

 

Try it out yourself...

Top 10 Heart Attack Symptoms, Should not Ignore

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Top 10 Heart Attack Symptoms You Should not Ignore (USEFUL INFORMATION) Please share it with other

 

Heart attacks don’t always strike out of the blue — there are many symptoms we can watch for in the days and weeks leading up to an attack. But the symptoms may not be the ones we expect. And they can be different in men and women, and different still in older adults. And if you have any risk factors for cardiac disease, such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol, smoking, or family history of heart disease, make sure the doctor knows about those issues, too.

1. Indigestion or nausea

One of the most oft-overlooked signs of a heart attack is nausea and stomach pain. Symptoms can range from mild indigestion to severe nausea, cramping, and vomiting. Others experience a cramping-style ache in the upper belly. Women and adults over age 60 are more likely to experience this symptom and not recognize it as tied to cardiac health.

Most cases of stomach ache and nausea aren’t caused by a heart attack, of course. But watch out for this sign by becoming familiar with your own digestive habits; pay attention when anything seems out of the ordinary, particularly if it comes on suddenly and you haven’t been exposed to stomach flu and haven’t eaten anything out of the ordinary.

2. Jaw, ear, neck, or shoulder pain

A sharp pain and numbness in the chest, shoulder, and arm is an indicator of heart attack, but many people don’t experience heart attack pain this way at all. Instead, they may feel pain in the neck or shoulder area, or it may feel like it’s running along the jaw and up by the ear. Some women specifically report feeling the pain between their shoulder blades.

A telltale sign: The pain comes and goes, rather than persisting unrelieved, as a pulled muscle would. This can make the pain both easy to overlook and difficult to pinpoint. You may notice pain in your neck one day, none the next day, then after that it might have moved to your ear and jaw. If you notice pain that seems to move or radiate upwards and out, this is important to bring to your doctor’s attention.

3. Sexual dysfunction

Having trouble achieving or keeping erections is common in men with coronary artery disease, but they may not make the connection. Just as arteries around the heart can narrow and harden, so can those that supply the penis — and because those arteries are smaller, they may show damage sooner. One survey of European men being treated for cardiovascular disease found that two out of three had suffered from erectile dysfunction before they were ever diagnosed with heart trouble.

4. Exhaustion or fatigue

A sense of crushing fatigue that lasts for several days is another sign of heart trouble that’s all too often overlooked or explained away. Women, in particular, often look back after a heart attack and mention this symptom. More than 70 percent of women in last year’s NIH study, for example, reported extreme fatigue in the weeks or months prior to their heart attack.

The key here is that the fatigue is unusually strong — not the kind of tiredness you can power through but the kind that lays you flat out in bed. If you’re normally a fairly energetic person and suddenly feel sidelined by fatigue, a call to your doctor is in order.

5. Breathlessness and dizziness

When your heart isn’t getting enough blood, it also isn’t getting enough oxygen. And when there’s not enough oxygen circulating in your blood, the result is feeling unable to draw a deep, satisfying breath — the same feeling you get when you’re at high elevation. Additional symptoms can be light-headedness and dizziness. But sadly, people don’t attribute this symptom to heart disease, because they associate breathing with the lungs, not the heart.

In last year’s NIH study, more than 40 percent of women heart attack victims remembered experiencing this symptom. A common description of the feeling: “I couldn’t catch my breath while walking up the driveway.”

6. Leg swelling or pain

When the heart muscle isn’t functioning properly, waste products aren’t carried away from tissues by the blood, and the result can be edema, or swelling caused by fluid retention. Edema usually starts in the feet, ankles, and legs because they’re furthest from the heart, where circulation is poorer. In addition, when tissues don’t get enough blood, it can lead to a painful condition called ischemia. Bring swelling and pain to the attention of your doctor.

7. Sleeplessness, insomnia, and anxiety

This is an odd one doctors can’t yet explain. Those who’ve had heart attacks often remember experiencing a sudden, unexplained inability to fall asleep or stay asleep during the month or weeks before their heart attack. (Note: If you already experience insomnia regularly, this symptom can be hard to distinguish.)

Patients often report the feeling as one of being “keyed up” and wound tight; they remember lying in bed with racing thoughts and sometimes a racing heart. In the NIH report, many of the women surveyed reported feeling a sense of “impending doom,” as if a disaster were about to occur. If you don’t normally have trouble sleeping and begin to experience acute insomnia and anxiety for unexplained reasons, speak with your doctor.

8. Flu-like symptoms

Clammy, sweaty skin, along with feeling light-headed, fatigued, and weak, leads some people to believe they’re coming down with the flu when, in fact, they’re having a heart attack. Even the feeling of heaviness or pressure in the chest — typical of some people’s experience in a heart attack — may be confused with having a chest cold or the flu.

If you experience severe flu-like symptoms that don’t quite add up to the flu (no high temperature, for example), call your doctor or advice nurse to talk it over. Watch out also for persistent wheezing or chronic coughing that doesn’t resolve itself; that can be a sign of heart disease, experts say. Patients sometimes attribute these symptoms to a cold or flu, asthma, or lung disease when what’s happening is that poor circulation is causing fluid to accumulate in the lungs.

9. Rapid-fire pulse or heart rate

One little-known symptom that sometimes predates a heart attack is known as ventricular tachycardia, more commonly described as rapid and irregular pulse and heart rate. During these episodes, which come on suddenly, you feel as if your heart is beating very fast and hard, like you just ran up a hill — except you didn’t. “I’d look down and I could actually see my heart pounding,” one person recalled. It can last just a few seconds or longer; if longer, you may also notice dizziness and weakness.

Some patients confuse these episodes with panic attacks. Rapid pulse and heartbeat that aren’t brought on by exertion always signal an issue to bring to your doctor’s attention.

10. You just don’t feel like yourself

Heart attacks in older adults (especially those in their 80s and beyond, or in those who have dementia or multiple health conditions), can mimic many other conditions. But an overall theme heard from those whose loved ones suffered heart attacks is that in the days leading up to and after a cardiac event, they “just didn’t seem like themselves.”

A good rule of thumb, experts say, is to watch for clusters of symptoms that come on all at once and aren’t typical of your normal experience. For example, a normally alert, energetic person suddenly begins to have muddled thinking, memory loss, deep fatigue, and a sense of being “out of it.” The underlying cause could be something as simple as a urinary tract infection, but it could also be a heart attack. If your body is doing unusual things and you just don’t feel “right,” don’t wait. See a doctor and ask for a thorough work-up.